Born To Ride News

Man, it’s hot outside! Well, of course! It’s summertime in Florida and there is no relief from the heat until you are bombarded by golf ball sized hail from the inevitable afternoon thunderstorm. When I feel it’s getting really unbearable from either weather condition, I will leave the sanctity of my redwood deck and retreat back inside the trailer with my dog and beer. It was on one recent retreat that I learned that none of us would be here too long. Or so it seemed to one particular person.

I have heard of the internet, but I’m not one of those computer literate sort of folks, so when the ol’ lady got one of these “Laptop computer” things I paid little attention to it. “Hey look at this” she hollers from across the room. “It’s this website for the “Institute for Human Continuity.” “What’s that?” I replied. “It’s this thing about the end of the world, and you can apply for a chance to be a survivor!” After a brief examination I determined that the image on the computer screen was impressive. It appears to be a real site which warns people of the ‘end of the world.’ I dunno, I remember that once I wrote about the internet being only useful for Porn, and that assumption was based on a statement being made by a ‘wise’ man that I met, so I approached the vision of the website with great skepticism. Wow! It did look real, and the ol’ lady was enthusiastic about the impending doom, and was showing me how you could join a lottery to be included as a “survivor.” It was at this point that I went from skepticism to disbelief. I mean, how can a stupid computer save you, as a person from the end of the world? I just didn’t make sense. But she was adamant that this was real, and went into great detail about what she had read. As little as I know about the computer or the end of the world for that matter, I decided that it was time to do a little ‘research’ of my own. Nothing will cool you off like quick blast on a motorcycle, so I hollered “see ya!” and fired up the bagger and headed down the road to the Gentlemen’s club for some more alcohol, and some ‘in-depth’ investigation! Here’s what I learned…

According to the Mayan Indians, ‘doomsday’ will happen on December 21, 2012. It seems that the Mayans constructed a calendar that ends on that exact date. … Hmm, all the strange things happening around the world right now, and then some long dead people from the other side of nowhere mess my day up even worse! Just my luck! Then there’s this dude named Nostradamus who seemed to predict the same thing, but wait, he says it going to happen on the 22nd not the 21st which is not surprising to me!

There are other ancient predictors and methods used to calculate such events, but I prefer to use the ‘count the boobies’ method. It’s a simple calculation involving counting the number of boobies you see at the Gentlemen’s club, multiplying by the number of beers you’ve consumed, adding 1,655 (the amount of dollars it typically costs to pay the fine and costs for DUI) and subtracting 2. My calculation revealed that the world would not actually end in 2012 but somewhere in the area of 2029. This number was based on my unique ability of retroactive clairvoyance, and the probable existence of unobvious boobies being hidden from natural view. I am an expert at predicting things after they already happened, and appear to be a Seer when I approach those that have not already ‘heard the news.’

Postdiction aside, there was a level of disappointment in the ol’ lady’s eyes when I told her that the Institute for Human Continuity was actually not a predictor of the end of the world, but merely a very well constructed website advertisement for the movie ‘2012’ which is supposed to come out sometime in November. I also told her that continuous use of the computer could make her anti-social, and just like that tee-vee, it can make you go blind! She called me a colorful name and said she was going to throw me out of the house. I can’t predict the exact date, because it hasn’t happened yet! Until next month, speed safely and stay tuned for more. ….

Editor’s note: Gullibility notwithstanding, more than 11,000,000 people have already signed up for a chance to survive the end of the world. Are they true believers like Craven’s ol’ lady, or are they merely being duped by the entertainment industry? Make your decision by reviewing www.theinstituteforhumancontinuity.org