BTR FUNNIES

St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

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(author unknown except he goes by the name Kennedy)

Recently I was selected to be a judge at a chili cook-off contest. Not because I was famous, but because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're a public figure and therefore known and adored by all.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.
KENNEDY: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
KENNEDY: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
KENNEDY: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally." Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift."

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: A hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
KENNEDY: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled-it's kinda cute.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
KENNEDY: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
KENNEDY: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned Peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.
KENNEDY: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they'll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late. Tell our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
KENNEDY: Momma?

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Just when you thought you'd heard it all...

Michigan, USA. This Guy buys brand new Grand Cherokee for 30 some thousand dollars and has 400+ dollar monthly payments. He immediately gets ahold of his friend and they go do some male bonding. They go duck hunting, but at this time of year all of the lakes are frozen. These 2 Atomic Brains go to the lake with the guns, the dog, the beer and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. Remember, it's all ice and in order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck wants to fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill.

Out of the back of the new Grand Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40 second fuse. Now these 2 Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that if they place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and the new Grand Cherokee), they take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly going up in smoke with the resulting blast. So, they decide to light this 40 second fuse and throw the dynamite which is what they end up doing.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the beer, the guns AND THE DOG ???? Yes, the dog. A highly trained Black Lab used for retrieving, especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and gets the stick of dynamite with the burning 40 second fuse about the time it hits the ice all to the woes of the 2 idiots yelling, stomping, waving arms and wondering what the hell to do now. The dog is happily performing its doggy duty, bouncing towards them with the sizzling stick of dynamite, when one of the guys starts to think, something that he has never done before this moment. He grabs a shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 duck shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab on its appointed rounds. Dog stops for a moment, stung and bewildered, and then continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really alarmed & now scared, thinking these 2 Nobel Prize winners have gone insane and takes off to find cover, with the now really short short fuse burning on this stick of dynamite.

The cover the dogs finds? Underneath the brand new Grand Cherokee 30 some thousand dollar 400+ monthly payment vehicle sitting on the lake ice. BOOM ! Dog dies, and it and the brand new Grand Cherokee 30 some thousand dollar 400+ monthly payment vehicle sink to the bottom of the lake leaving the 2 candidates for Co-leaders of the Known Universe standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces. Later, the owner of the vehicle calls his insurance company which tells him that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered.

He had yet to make the first of those 400+ a month payments. Still doesn't seem like adequate payback for what they did to that dog, though. When they made the movie Fargo they should have waited a few more months and this could have been added into it.

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6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.

5. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.

3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

2. The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as: "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."

1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

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Yes, I'm tired. For a couple years I`ve been blaming it on iron, poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies that make you wonder if life is really worth living.

But now I found out, it ain't that. I'm tired because I'm overworked:

The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the government. This leaves 19 millon to do the work.

Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.

14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government that leaves 200,000 to do the work.

There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work. You and Me. Bummer. And you're sitting there reading this.

No wonder I'm tired.

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A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees. One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home. He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says, "What do you want?" The man says, "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep in that time. I would be most grateful if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight." The old Chinese man says, "I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my granddaughter." The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying, "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning" The old Chinese man counters, "OK, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man." "OK, OK," the man says as he enters the old house. Besides, he thinks to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life?

Well, that night, when the man comes down to eat (after showering), he sees how beautiful the granddaughter is. She is an absolute pearl, and while he has only been lost three weeks, it has been many, many months without companionship. And the girl has only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both can't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.

That night, the man sneaks into the girl's bedroom and they have quite a time and keep the noise down to a minimum. The man creeps back to his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience." Well, the next morning the man wakes up to a heavy weight on his chest. He opens his eyes and there is this huge rock on his chest. On the rock is a sign saying, "1st Chinese torture test: 100 lb. rock on your chest." "What a lame torture test," the man thinks to himself as he gets up and walks over to the window. He opens the shutter and throws the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying, "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle." The man, seeing the rock is too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying, "3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bedpost."

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This is for all you city slickers, who might not quite understand the jargon and spellin' O sum us sutharn fawlks!

ahz: the things you see with
aig: which come first, the chicken or the aig?
arn: an electrical instrument used to remove wrinkles from clothing
bawl: what water does at 212 degrees
bidness: commercial enterprise
bobbycue: a delectable southern sandwich of chopped pork, cole slaw an a fiery sauce
co-cola: any form/brand of soft drink
clinics: a tissue
crine: weeping
dawfins: name of the pro football team in Miami
daints: a more or less formal event in which members of the opposite sex hold each other and move rhythmically to the sound of music
dayum: an expletive; in other states, a four-letter word
doc: a condition caused by an absence of light
ever: each, as in "She's bin crine ever day since JJ run off."
far: combustion
git: to acquire
goff: a game played with clubs and a little white ball
hep: a cry for assistance, as in "HEP! There's a far!
hoss: a large, solid-hoofed, herbivorous animal
lectricity: energy for arns, tvs, an other thangs
liberry: a building where thousands of literary works are kept
nekkid: to be unclothed
ole well: a source of petroleum
own : opposite of awf (see lectricity)
paypuh: what you write on
shevuhlay: a General Motors car
spearmint: something scientists perform
stow : establishment where things are sold
tar: a round inflatable object which sometimes goes flat
uhmurkin: someone who lives in the united states of uhmurka
zackly: precisely

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In answer to the eternal question "?", the following is submitted:

Basketball superstar Michael Jordan makes over $300,000 a game:
$10,000 a minute, assuming he averages about 30 minutes per game.
MJ makes about $40 million in endorsements annually, which translates to about $178,100 a day (working or not)!
Assuming he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.
If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him about $7.00 ($20 if he buys a soda and popcorn), but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.
If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.
He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage (after the recent wage hike)
He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of "King of the Hill" on Fox.
If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.
If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.
He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be 'reimbursed' $33,390 for that round.
Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into his tax deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 for such accounts at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st, 1997.
If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.
He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics.
He'll make about $15,600 while the Boston Marathon is being run.
While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.
Next year, he'll make more than twice as much as all of our past presidents for all of their terms combined.
Amazing isn't it?

BUT: JORDAN WILL HAVE TO SAVE 100% OF HIS INCOME FOR 270 YEARS TO HAVE A NET WORTH EQUIVALENT TO THAT OF BILL GATES.

NERDS RULE! NERDS RULE! NERDS RULE!

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Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you!", the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes", said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "What's your name?" "Clarence", said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said: "The same idiot that named the rottweiller Jesus."

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The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

Then the FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

Then the LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten raccoon. The raccoon is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

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Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using pantheons and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours. (It's a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.)

Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their trailer costs just as much as yours.

A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his manners are.
If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.

Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago."
If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.

Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
It is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding.
When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.
A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also a proven fly deterrent.
For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance.
Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around.
Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.

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---------- A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood.
For lunch make him a nutritious meal.
For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.
Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day.
Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse.
And most importantly. make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim.
" If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied.

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It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and young Sister Magdalene Edwards had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene Edwards was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had done. "Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved." "Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun. "Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."
"Did he now," said the old nun evenly. Sister Magdalene continued,
"And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."
"Is that a fact," said the old nun even more evenly. "At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."

"That wicked old Devil," said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"

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The motorcycle cop had just pulled over a red Porsche after it had run a stop sign. "May I see your driver's license and registration please. .."
"What's the problem, officer?"
"You just ran that stop sign back there."
"Oh come on, pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me."
"Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways, and proceed with caution."
"You gotta be kidding me!"
"It's no joke, sir."
"Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles, and proceeded with caution."
"That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed come to a complete stop , and you didn't. Now if I may see your license and..."
"You've got a lot of time on your hands, pal. What's the matter, all the doughnut shops closed?"
"Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and registration immediately."
"I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and coming to a complete stop."

The policeman had enough. "Sir, I can do better than that." He opened the car door, dragged the rude motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick.

"Now sir, would you like for me to slow down or come to a complete stop?"

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---------- On reaching his seat on the airliner a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, "And get me a whisky, you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you bitch!" Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach."I've asked you twice for a coffee! Go and get it now or I'll kick your ass!"

Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.

Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly, you're a ballsy bastard!"

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There were these twin brothers, Joe & John. Joe was the owner of an old dilapidated boat. It just so happened that his brothers,( John's), wife died on the same day that his,( Joe's), boat sank! A few days later a kindly old woman saw Joe & mistaking him for his twin John offered her condolances. "I'm sorry to here about your loss. You must feel terrible." Joe, thinking she was talking about his sunk boat said , "Hell no, fact is I'm kinda glad to be rid of her. She was a rotton old thing from the begining. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to four guys looking for a good time, I warned them she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle! Oh well with the insurance money i'll just go buy another one.

The old woman fainted.............................

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In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could. The hunter ran and ran and ran, until finally he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some "religion"!

The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter the bear came to an abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused. Suddenly the bear looked up into the sky and said......

"Thank you, God, for the food I'm about to receive."

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This speech was given by Kurt Vonnegut at MIT's commencement this year .

********* Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '97:

Wear sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you. Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself. Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard.

Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

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Be ready for this! ---------- CNN recently set up a 1-800 number so that people could call in with questions and comments about the programming.

The number to call is 1-800-TALKCNN.

Mistakenly, however, CNN advertised the 1-800 number as 1-800-CNNTALK (266-8255).

Call the second number and you will see why CNN is extremely pissed about their advertising blunder. (Don't worry, it's completely toll-free.)

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---------- For Christmas this past year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.

Day 1. They suggest I keep this "exercise diary" to chart my progress this week. Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT.

Day 2. Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake| Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth it. Muscles feel GREAT.

Day 3. The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.

Day 4. Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.

Day 5. I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya, I don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?

Day 6. Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.

Day 7. Well, that's the week. Thank God that's over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like free teeth drilling at the dentist.

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---------- Bill, Hillary and Al Gore are on a helicopter tour to kick off the campaign season when Hillary finds a hundred dollar bill. She starts to pocket it, but realizing that the press is watching, says, "I have a great idea! Let's throw this out the window and make one person very happy!" Al Gore takes out his wallet and says, "Now that IS a fine idea, but I've got a better one. Give me the hundred. I've got two fifties. I'll throw them out the window and make two people happy!" Bill takes out his wallet and says, "I've got an even better idea than that, Al! Give me the hundred. I have some twenties. I'll throw them out the window and make five people happy!" About this time, the helicopter pilot - a Vietnam vet - leans back and says, "I've got the best idea. Give me back my hundred. I'll throw you three out and make EVERYBODY happy!

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A man took his elderly father to a nursing home to check it out. He sat his father down on a sofa in a main aisleway and went to talk with the administrators.

The old man started to tilt slowly toward the left. A Doctor came by and said: "let me help you." The Doc piled several pillows on the left side of the old man so he would stay upright.


The old man started to tilt slowly toward the right. An orderly noticed and put several more pillows on his right side to keep him upright.

The old man started to lean forward when a nurse came by and piled several pillows in front of him. About this time the son returned. "Well Dad, isn't this a nice place".

The old man replied "I guess it's OK, but they won't let me fart".

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A man goes into a restaurant and is seated.
All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order,
"What would you like, sir?" He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom,
then answers,"A quickie."
The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again,
"What would you like, sir?" Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please."
This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.
A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers,"Um, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."

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BAAAA! ---------- Fred had felt guilty all day long. No matter how hard he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing inner voice trying to reassure him, " Fred. Don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality.

"Fred. You're a veterinarian."

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Poor 'Little Johnny' - he can't stay out of trouble!

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.

Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

"It's a period." reported Johnny. "Well I can see that"she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?"

"I have no idea," said Johnny, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself!"

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Dave was the vice-president of ACME inc. One day the president, Mr. Smith called him into his office. He told Dave that they had to make some cutbacks and either Jack or Barb would have to be laid off.

Dave looked at Mr Smith and said " Barb is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know who to fire."

"I'll tell you what to do. Fire the first one of them who comes in to work tomorrow" Mr. Smith replied.

The next morning Dave waited for either Jack or Barb to show up. Barb was the first to arrive. Dave said to her "Barb I've got a problem."

"Really? What's wrong?" Barb replied.

"Well you see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?"

Barb replied, "Jack off! I've got a headache."

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Charlie wanted a new birth control method and his doctor suggested a vasectomy. Charlie agreed and the doctor said he could perform the operation in his office.

At a crucial moment during the procedure one of Charlie's testicles fell to the floor, and the nurse, who was wearing high heels, accidentally stepped on it and crushed it.

However, the doctor noticed a jar of pickled onions on his nurse's desk. Taking an onion, and realizing it was the right size and weight, he placed it in Charlie's scrotum and completed the operation.

A few months later Charlie returned for a check up.
When the doctor asked how things were going, Charlie replied, "Pretty good, Doc.

At least my wife's not pregnant, but there are some strange side effects:

Every time we make love, my wife gets heartburn;

when I pee my eyes water;

and whenever I pass a hamburger stand, I get an erection.

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One morning 2 priests head to the showers and it isn't until they are already in the shower they both realize they did not bring any soap.

Father Bob decides he'll run back for the soap, he checks out the hallway, no one around so rather than get dressed he decides to make a run for it. He checks the hall before heading back to the showers, all clear, so he makes a break for it, just as he turns the corner to the showers he spots three nuns walking towards him. With no where to go he stands perfectly still, holding the 2 bars of soap hoping the nuns will think he's a statue.

The nuns approach, "oh my look at that, isn't that the most life like statue you've ever seen?" the first asks. She steps up for a closer look, reaches out and gives a couple of tugs on the priest's weenie. Startled he drops the 1st bar of soap. "oh heaven's she exclaims I got a bar of soap".

The 2nd nun amazed at how realistic the statue looks steps closer and again, a couple of yanks of the priest's weenie and he drops the other bar of soap ''my goodness. I got a bar of soap too". The nun's can't believe it.

The 3rd nun, overcome by the miracle statue, walks up to it and gives a couple of tugs to the priest's weenie "my God this is amazing" she says "I got hand soap!"

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A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep. There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one bed. Being a gentleman, the priest said, "Sister, you sleep on the bed. I'll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag."

Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said "Father, I'm cold." He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got the blanket and put it on her.

Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said "Father, I'm still very cold." He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and got into the sleeping bag once again.

Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father, I'm sooooo cold." This time, he remained there and said, "Sister, I have an idea. We're out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened. Let's pretend we're married."

The nun said, "That's fine by me."

To which the priest yelled out, "Get up and get your own stupid blanket!"

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Who said Texans were ignert?

Two Texans were seated at the end of a bar when a young lady seated a few stools down began to choke on a piece of hamburger. She was turning blue and obviously in serious respiratory distress. One Texan said to the other, "That there gal is having a bad time!"

The other agreed and said, "Think we should go help?" "You bet," said the first, and with that he ran over and said, "Can you breathe??" She shook her head no.

He said, "Can you speak??" She again shook her head no. With that, he pulled up her skirt and licked her on the butt. She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief.

Back to his fellow Texan, he said, "Funny how that hind lick maneuver always works."

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The Queen and the Pope are on the same stage. Huge crowd. The Queen and His Holiness however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, Her Majesty says to his Holiness, "Pope, did you know, that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in this crowd go wild?" He doubts it, so she shows him, and sure enough the little royal gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every pommie in the crowd. Gradually it subsides.

His Holiness, not wishing to be outdone by a woman, who incidentally is wearing a worse frock and hat than he is, thinks to himself, what am I to do. Then it dawns on him. "Your Majesty, that was impressive, but did you know that with one nod of my head I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but this joy will go deep to their hearts, and they will talk of it and rejoice for months."

The Queen seriously doubts this... "One little nod of your head, and all the Irish are joyous for a week? Show me."

So the Pope headbutts her.

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---------- A man traveling by plane was in need of using the men's room. Each time he tried the door it was occupied. The stewardess, aware of his predicament, suggested that he use the ladies room, but cautioned him against pressing any of the buttons.

The buttons were marked: WW, WA, PP and ATR.

Making the fateful mistake so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and tried the buttons anyway.

He carefully pressed the first button, marked WW, and immediately Warm Water sprayed over his entire bottom. He thought, "Golly, the gals really have it made."

Still curious, he pressed the button marked WA and Warm Air dried his bottom quickly. He thought that was out of this world. He then pressed the button marked PP, and it yielded a large Powder Puff which powdered his bottom lightly with powder.

Well, naturally, he could not resist the last button marked ATR.

When he woke up, in the hospital, he panicked and buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared he cried out, "what happened??? The last thing I remember I was in the ladies room aboard an airplane." The nurse replied, "yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the button marked ATR, which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover.....

your penis is under your pillow."

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A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies. The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow over the years?" she asks.

The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?

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A congressman involved with agriculture issues received this hilarious letter last week and passed it on to Inside the Beltway:

Dear Representative:

"I need your advice with an agricultural situation, please. My friend, Ed Peterson, who lives in Wells, Iowa, received a check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the 'not raising hogs' business next year.

"What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise?

"I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs. "As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping accurate records of how many hogs I haven't raised.

"My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for 30 years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $1,000 for not raising hogs.

"If I get $1,000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford to upgrade my farm, build a new barn & hire some farm hands. Heck the second year I can not raise 10,000 hogs!

"Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4,000 hogs I am not going to raise?

"Also, I am considering the 'not milking cows' business, so send me any information you have on that too. In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps.

"Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.

"Patriotically Yours, Harry Callahan.

"P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free cheese!"

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A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe therein. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!!

One day the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary.

"You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn't take a genius to work out what has been going on!"

The missionary replies: "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrance - what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief ponders this for a moment then says "Tell you what, you don't say anything about the sheep, I won't say anything about the white child"

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A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the young man got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove."

"These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart."

"I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again."

"When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing."

"Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love."

"P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."

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A couple, aged 67, went to the doctor's office. The Doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." And he charged them $20.00. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "we're not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can't go to her house. I am married and we can't go to my house. Holiday Inn charges $32.00 . Hilton Hotel charges $37.00. We do it here for $20.00 and I get $18.00 back from medicare to reimburse me for the doctors office visit.

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Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy!

This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

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A man and his wife had been stranded on a deserted island for many years. The morning following a bad storm, a new guy washes up on the shore. The new guy and the wife are very attracted to each other right away, but realize certain protocols will have to be observed.

The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. "Now we will be able to have three people doing 8-hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts." The second man is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower and stands watch, observing the ocean horizon for any ships.

Soon the husband and wife start placing stones in a circle in order to make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down: "Hey, no screwing!" They look at each other and yell back: "We're not screwing!"

A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down: "Heeey, no screwing!" Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!"

Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof to their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down from high above: "Hey, I said no screwing!!" They yell back "We said we're not screwing!!"

Finally the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower and the husband starts to climb up. He's only half-way up and the wife and the second man are screwing their brains out. Once he reaches the top, the husband looks out from the tower and says:

"Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing."

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For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.

Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

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A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there.

After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS." The preacher replied that he was sure it must be in there somewhere and that he would look for it.

The following week after service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read,

"And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

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Grizzly Adams, after two years in the Klondike alone, pulls into Anchorage for supplies. First things first, he heads for the local watering hole. After a long sip of draft beer, he notices a sign on the wall: "Win $10,000! Ask Bartender for Details." So he asks the bartender what the deal is. Bartender says:

"I will give $10 grand to the first man who can complete 3 tasks in 3 hours -

[1], drink ten shots of Jose Cuervo tequila;
[2], pull the abscessed tooth from the mouth of my pet grizzly bear;
[3], screw that fat, ugly old eskimo woman over there in the corner."

Grizzly says, "I'm game. Bring on the tequila." Boom! 10 shots gone, one after another. Weaving a bit, Grizzly heads upstairs to the room where the bear is kept. After lots of crashing and thrashing around for two straight hours, Grizzly half stumbles, half crawls, half rolls down the stairs. He lands on the bottom - clothes torn to shreds, scratches and bruises everywhere, blood streaming down his face. He weaves and staggers over to the bartender and says:

"Okay, now where's that old Eskimo bitch with the bad tooth?"

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A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation.

She's put on a gurney by the surgical nurse and brought to the corridor in the surgical ward. Before they enter the operating room the nurse leaves the woman in the corridor and goes to check whether everything is ready.

A young man wearing a white coat approaches, takes the sheet away and starts examining her naked body. He walks away and talks to another man in a white coat.

The second man comes over and does the same examination. When a third man starts examining her body so closely, she grows impatient and says:

"All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?"

The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders:

"I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."

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A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.

"Well sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, father." the nun answered.

"In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."

"I agree." said the nun.

"Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"

"Anything father.", she replied.

"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I could see them?"

"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm." The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

"Sister would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

"Father, could I ask something of you?"

"Yes sister?"

"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"

"I supposed that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe.

"Oh father, may I touch it?" The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

"Sister, do you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life."

"Is that true father? Then why don't you stick it in the camel's ass and let's get the hell out of here."

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A man shopping in a supermarket brought his purchase of two cans of dog food to the checkout counter. The cashier asked,
"Sir, do you have a dog?"
"Yes." replied the man.
"Well, where is it?" asked the cashier.
"I left him home." he answered.
"Sorry," the cashier said, "You can't buy the dog food if I can't see the dog. That's the rules."

The next day he returned to the store and brought some cat food to the checkout.
"Do you have a cat?" asked the cashier.
"Yes," he said, "but I left him home."
"Sorry," she said, "If I can't see the cat, I can't sell you the food. That's the rules."

The next day the man walked into the store with a brown paper bag. He walked up to the cashier and said,
"Here. Put your hand in here."
The cashier put her hand in and said, "It's soft and warm. What is it?"
The man replied,

"I'd like three rolls of toilet paper!"

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A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off. Two hours later, it's back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, typical white man--can only think of one thing.

The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?" Cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horses ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, typical white man--going to die tomorrow and only think of one thing.

Last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?" Cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! Posse, dammit! NOT PUSSY!!!!!!!!! P-O-S-S-E >

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How to say " I Love You " in Different Languages
English........... I Love
You Spanish.......... Te Amo
French........... Je T'aime
German.......... lch Liebe Dich
Japanese....... Ai Shite Imasu
Italian............. Ti Amo
Chinese......... Wo Ai Ni
Swedish........ Jag Alskar Dig
Eskimo.......... Nagligivaget
Greek............ S'Agapo
Hawaiian....... Aloha Wau la Oe
Irish.............. Thaim In Grabh Leat
Hebrew......... Ani Ohev Otakh
Russian........ Ya Lyublyu Tyebya
Albanian....... Une Te Dua
Finnish......... Mina Rakkastan Sinua
Turkish........ Seni Seviyorum
Hungarian... Se Ret Lay
Persian....... Du Stet Daram Maltese....... Jien Inhobbok
Catalan...... Testimo Molt
Biker .... NICE TITS

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Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes

English phrase Chinese Interpretation
Are you harboring a fugitive?=Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me A.S.A.P.=Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man=Dum Gai
Small Horse=Tai Ni Po Ni
Your price is too high!!=No Bai Dam Thing!!
Did you go to the beach?=Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table=Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift=Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here=Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed?=Hao Long Wei Ting?
That was an unauthorized execution.=Lin Ching
I thought you were on a diet=Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone.=No Pah King
Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena?=Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
You are not very bright=Yu So Dum
I got this for free=Ai No Pei
I am not guilty=Wai Hang Mi?
Please, stay a while longer.=Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was scheduled for next week=Wai Yu Kum Nao
They have arrived=Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight=Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile=Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive=Hu Man Go
Pew! does this bathroom stink!=Hu Flung Dung? > >

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Facelift

A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift. "Well," says the doctor, "I can do the facelift, and then you'll have to come back in six months for a follow-up."
"Oh, no." the woman replies. "I want it all done in one shot. I don't want to have to come back."
The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, "There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the skin up, and they disappear."
"That's what I want!" exclaims the lady. "Let's do that"
Six months later the lady charges into the doctor's office. "Well, how's the procedure holding up?" the doctor asks. "Terrible!" the lady bellows. "It's the worst mistake I've ever made."
"What's wrong?" asks the doctor. "Just look at these bags under my eyes!" she hollers.
"Lady," the doctor retorts, "those aren't bags, those are your breasts.
And if you don't leave that screw alone, you're going to have a beard!"

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Harley goes to heaven

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Davidson, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven." Davidson thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God, Himself." The befeathered fellow at the Gates takes Arthur to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Arthur then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?" God says, "Ah, yes."
"Well," says Davidson, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. there's too much front end protrusion
2. it chatters at high speeds
3. the rear end wobbles too much, and
4. the intake is placed too close to the exhaust."
"Hmmm..." replies God, "hold on." God goes to the Celestial Super computer, types in a few keystrokes,and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Arthur Davidson, "but according to My Computer, more people are riding my invention than yours."

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A biker walked into the head branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank holding a large paper bag in his hand. He told the young man at the window that he wished to take the $3 million he had in the bag and open an account with the bank. He said that first, though, he wished to meet the president of Chase Manhattan Bank due to the amount of money involved. The teller seemed to think that was a reasonable request and after opening the paper bag and seeing bundles of $1,000 bills which amounted to around $3 million, telephoned the bank president's secretary to obtain an appointment for the biker. He was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's office. Introductions were made and he stated that he liked to get to know the people he did business with on a personal level. The bank president then asked him where he came into such a large sum of money. "Was it an inheritance?" he asked. "No." he answered. "Was it from playing the stock market?" he inquired. "No." he replied. He was quiet for a minute, trying to think of where this biker could possibly have come into $3 million. After afew seconds of silence the biker said"I bet." "You bet?" repeated the bank president. "As in horses?" "No", he replied, "I bet people." Seeing his confusion, the biker explained that he just bets different things with people. All of a sudden he said, "I'll bet you $25,000 that by 10:00 o'clock tomorrow morning your balls will be square." The bank president figured he must be off his rocker and decided to take him up on the bet. He didn't see how he could lose. For the rest of the day, the bank president was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances--there was $25,000 at stake. When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure everything was okay. There was no difference, he looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the biker to come in at 10:00 o'clock, humming as he went.
He knew this would be a good day-- how often do you get handed $25,000 for doing nothing? At 10:00 o'clock sharp the biker was shown into his office. With him was another man. When he inquired as to the man's purpose for being there, he informed him that he was his lawyer and he always took him along when there was this much money involved.
"Well," the biker asked, "what about our bet?"
"I don't know how to tell you this," the bank president replied, "but I'm the same as I've always been, only $25,000 richer." The biker seemed to accept this, but requested that he be able to see for himself.
The bank president thought this was reasonable and dropped his trousers. The biker instructed him to bend over and then grabbed a hold of him. Sure enough, everything was fine. The bank president then looked up and saw the bikers lawyer standing across the room banging his head against the wall. "What's wrong with him?" he inquired. "Oh him." he replied. "I bet him $100,000 that by 10:00 o'clock this morning that I'd have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls."

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A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."
The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.
She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."
The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?"
The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!"

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A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. "Mind if I have a few?" he asks. "No not at all," the woman replieD.
They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl. "I'm totally sorry for eating all your peanuts, I really just meant to eat a few," stated the preacher.
"Oh that's all right," replied the woman. "Ever since I lost my teeth all I can do is suck the chocolate off them.

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We're Doomed:
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. (and that would be how?)
On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's *just* a suggestion!)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down. (Too late! You lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. (Are you sure??? Let's experiment.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn't that save more time?) (Whose body?)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)
On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness. (One would hope!)
On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children. (Or pets! What's for dinner?)
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. (As opposed to use in outer space.) (Or underground?)
On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (Now I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals. (What is this, a home castration kit?)
On a child's superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

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WOMEN'S ENGLISH --------------------
* Yes=No
* No=Yes
* Maybe=No
* I'm sorry=You'll be sorry
* We need=I want
* It's your decision=The correct decision should be obvious by now
* Do what you want=You'll pay for this later
* We need to talk=I need to complain
* Sure... go ahead=I don't want you to
* I'm not upset=Of course I'm upset, you moron!
* You're ... so manly=You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
* You're certainly attentive tonight=Is sex all you ever think about?
* Be romantic, turn out the lights=I have flabby thighs.
* This kitchen is so inconvenient=I want a new house.
* I want new curtains=and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
* Hang the picture there=NO, I mean hang it there!
* I heard a noise=I noticed you were almost asleep
* Do you love me?=I'm going to ask for something expensive
* How much do you love me?=I did something today you're really not going to like.
* I'll be ready in a minute=Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
* Is my butt fat?=Tell me I'm beautiful
* You have to learn to communicate=Just agree with me
* Are you listening to me!?=[Too late, you're dead.]
* Was that the baby?=Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep
* I'm not yelling!=Yes I am yelling because I think this is important

MEN'S ENGLISH --------------------
* I'm hungry=I'm hungry
* I'm sleepy=I'm sleepy
* I'm tired=I'm tired
* Do you want to go to a movie?=I'd eventually like to have sex with you
* Can I take you out to dinner?=I'd eventually like to have sex with you
* Can I call you sometime?=I'd eventually like to have sex with you
* May I have this dance?=I'd eventually like to have sex with you
* Nice dress!=Nice cleavage!
* You look tense, let me give you a massage=I want to fondle you
* What's wrong?=I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this
* What's wrong?=What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
* What's wrong?=I guess sex tonight is out of the question
* I'm bored=Do you want to have sex?
* I love you=Let's have sex now
* I love you, too=Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
* Yes, I like the way you cut your hair=I liked it better before
* Yes, I like the way you cut your hair=$50 and it doesn't look that much different!
* Let's talk=I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me
* Will you marry me?=I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys
* (while shopping) I like that one better=Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
* I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together=I am gay

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This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say the help desk employee was fired; however, the person is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "termination without cause". This is from the taped conversation leading up to dismissal:

"WordPerfect Technical Desk, may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type!"
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
".......Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" "No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"....... Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the >window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too fucking stupid to own a computer."

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What if men & women swapped genitals!

Top ten things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day:

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes...BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too...And,
The NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke-up with a vagina....
1. Finally find that damned G-spot!

The top ten things women would do if they woke up and had a penis for a day:

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently,
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch/shift yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
And, The NUMBER ONE thing women would do if they woke up with a penis...
1. Repeat number 9!

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* According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors. He took out a long-handled brush, dipped it into the toilet and scrubbed the mirror.

Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirrors."

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Subject: Deathbed Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her side. He held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face. Her pale lips moved. "Jake," she said. "Hush," he quickly interrupted, "don't talk." "Jake," she insisted in her tired voice, "I have to talk. I must confess." "There is nothing to confess," said the weeping Jake. "It's all right. Everything's all right." "No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess,Jake, that I have been unfaithful to you." Jake stroked her hand. "Now Becky, don't be concerned. I know all about it," he sobbed, "Why else would I poison you?"

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IF ONLY LIFE COULD BE LIKE A COMPUTER!
If you messed up your life, you could press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and >start all over!
To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!
If you needed a break from life, click on suspend. Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.
To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.
To add/remove someone in your life, click settings and control panel.
To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.
If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.
When you loose your car keys, click on find.
"Help" with the chores is just a click away.
Auto insurance wouldn't be necessary. You would use your diskette to recover from a crash.
And, we could click on "SEND NOW" and a pizza would be on it's way to YOU!

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The Queen was visiting a new flagship hospital, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a patient was furiously masturbating. "Good gracious", said the Queen, " that's disgraceful. What is the meaning of this ?" The doctor leading the tour explained that the patient had a rare condition whereby his testicles were constantly filling with semen. If he didn't do that at least 5 times a day, they would swell and he would die. "Oh, I am sorry", said the Queen, "I was unaware that such a medical problem existed."
Up on the next floor, they soon passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient oral sex. Trying not to look horrified, the Queen asked, "What's happening in there?" "Same problem, better health plan."

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Interesting Concept Must read....
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What"s that, a bonus? I think the cycle is all backwards. You should die first. Get it out of the way. Then live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you"re too young. You get a gold watch. You go to work. You work forty years until you"re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol. You party. You get ready for high school. You go to grade school. You become a kid. You play. You have no responsibilities. You become a little baby. You go back into the womb. You spend your last nine months floating... you finish off as an orgasm.

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